still no fucking comments.

just kidding... okay so tomorrow is july 1. 18 days til my bday. yay! I guess that's exciting. :)

What's even more exciting is that I finished my first summer class. Pretty nice, although the next one starts next week :-/

I guess I've been in a pretty good mood. duh it's summer. that always helps, but i have to admit that for the first time well a few weeks- minus the mishap last  weekend when I forgot to take my meds with me when visiting my bf... not a fun way to start off what was supposed to be a fun weekend!

But anyway, I have been feeling A LOT better... more stable, more "normal". More myself. I've gotten over trying to please other people, and I'm just happy being me.

Let's see how long this good feeling will last.

Any bets? The the "interesting" thing about Bipolar. My mood will do a 180 on you at any given moment, usually with some warning. But hell, it's annoying as fuck. It does make for one hell of a reality show though. Those Jersey Shore guidos don't have shit on me. haha.

The drama that comes with my life, is well... real I guess. The only difference is that I'm running AWAY from it. FAR AWAY. I'm not trying to stir some ish up by getting drunk, then fighting some crazy bimbo on the street, then calling my dad at 3am because no one will pick me up from jail... I've only seen  about 10 minutes of Jersey Shore, so forgive me for adlibing.

But my drama is unwanted. I do everything I can to avoid it. That's how I am now anyway. I'll admit that even as little as a year ago I could have been cast by MTV. Except that I'm not italian. And I don't Tan.... My boyfriend goes to the gym though. :) I sometimes do laundry... Ok, you got me- my parents still do my laundry, but it's their choice, not mine.

But yeah, with all the f-bombs leaving my mouth, and the shitty people I was hanging around with... The constant arguing, drama, hook-ups, etc... Like I said I don't know what goes on in that show but I could have been BITCHI, the tall, flat chested, big assed cast member.

Yeah, i guess that's not funny, since I'm not even laughing... hmm, any other ideas for Jersey shore names...

Never mind.... such a waste of time.

 Moving on,

 I am trying to think of a creative way to celebrate my 21st that doesn't involve alcohol, since of course I can't drink.

I'll get back to you when I figure that one out.

10 Things that always make me feel better.

1. Blasting music in my car.  While I don't sing in the shower, I love singing at the top of my lungs with the windows down... or up if the AC is on for that matter... I'll be the first to admit that when I'm in the car alone, I have a bit of a lead foot. But no one needs to know that ;)

2. Watching Law and Order: SVU... It has to be SVU, Criminal Intent just won't cut it.  Time and time again, this show has captivated in front of the TV for hours, and I don't watch much TV other than Family Guy and Two and a Half Men, and The Office. (Wow, that sounds like a lot when I write it all out... haha)

3. Washing my hair.  And not only washing my hair, but conditioning it... and this is a process that can't be rushed.

4. Doodling. Flowers and hearts. And more flowers.

5. Having sex. With my boyfriend, of course. :)  Whether it's 3pm or 3am, it always does wonders to improve my mood.

6. Writing.  Poetry, journal entries, this blog! Or even just a bunch of crap scribbled in a notebook. Putting words on paper, or screen in this case-- has always made me feel better, which is probably why I have dozens and dozens of notebooks filled with shit I've written since I was like 11.... And even back then I wrote some heavy shit...

7. Eating yogurt. Okay, you're probably wondering why I have this on my list- but it's my list. And yogurt is my favorite food. Strawberry banana is fuckin good!

8. Shopping. When I have money, I love it. Most girls do. :) The problem for me is learning to save money... yup BP is not a fan of saving money, but I'm learning.

9. Therapy. I hated it when I was younger. Now I couldn't be a bigger fan/advocate. I have a great therapist and have made huge progress because of her over the past year.

10. Laying in bed, doing nothing.  You may think this doesn't accomplish anything, but it helps me relax and relieve stress. And well just be the down to earth person that I am. And for someone that has BP and anxiety I found that hard to do in the past, before learning to manage my mood, along with my medication.

A quick list of things that DON'T make me feel better:

 (These are things which I have learned NOT to do over the years)

Weed, or any kind of un-prescribed drug. 

Alcohol
Bottling up my feelings
Hanging out with destructive people
Denying that I have a mood disorder
Not taking my Medication
Not getting enough sleep (I need at least 7 hours of sleep a night... Usually 9, on a good night)
Sleeping all day (when depressed)
Partying all the time (when manic)

Who am I?

Like I've said earlier,  this blog isn't just about bipolar... it's about me- my life. And I plan on being very open and honest about my life experiences, and everything I've learned. Throughout my life I've learned to be a fighter. Not literally, in fact I only remember ever getting in one fight back when I was a ten year old girl scout. But having Bipolar has forced me into being a much stronger person. 


Emotionally, I still deal with the problem of being diagnosed with Anxiety, and adding that into the mix with Bipolar is just asking for a mess of emotions. There are times when I laugh uncontrollably, cry for no reason, and get stressed out over absolutely nothing at all. Not being able to control your own mood is a scary thing. It's something that I used to just shrug off, and blame other people for. Hell I still do sometimes. But in reality I am the only on who has control over my mood, but having a chemical imbalance in my brain doesn't make it any easier. It's a difficult thing to explain and even for someone who has Bipolar to understand. 




Over the past year, between a mix of the right medical team, mental strength,  and hard work- I have been able to start to gain control over my moods. I have been taking my medication every day. Something that  I never did before; I used to skip doses... I didn't care if I missed one due to a late night of partying... But after taking my meds every day, twice a day for over a year- I learned that they really DO help...


I no longer let my mania take over me in the destructive ways that it had in the past... Yes I occasionally do get caught up in a sale at target, or I buy too many hair products because I feel the need for MORE.... But it is nothing like before. 
In the past year, I have been hypo-manic. (The nicer version of Bipolar's cousin depression) Mania causes BP patients to go overboard, think grandiose thoughts, and make hasty decisions. In my worst states of mania, which lasted anywhere from a few weeks to several months, or longer; I would become sexually promiscuous, get involved with drugs and alcohol (which is a huge mistake for anyone with a mental illness!), I would burn bridges of all kinds- family/friends, you name it... I would also overspend WAY too much, (luckily I had my parents to bail me out, time and time again...)  


I will get more into the specifics of my mania later... But that is only one side of BP- the other side, the one most people are familiar with, is Depression. In the beginning I hated my depression, because it always won. I fought the battle constantly- especially during the winter months. Depression for me is a seasonal thing. (Over years of treatment, my doctors and I would start to notice that my Bipolar would follow a pattern relating to the seasons.) But fighting with depression was an on-going battle. 
I ended up missing months of school throughout both middle school and high school. I even dropped out of my first semester of college because I couldn't beat depression. Luckily, I was able to get back in school now.
At least with mania, I wasn't stuck in bed. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't miserable either. Or so I thought. After getting treatment I learned how dangerous mania really is. When I'm manic I have NO control. It's really fucking scary.


 I learned how important taking my medication is, and why I need to avoid drugs and alcohol- they  DON'T help someone who already has a fucked up  brain chemistry.  Believe me, I could party hard enough without the weed, henny, beer, or whatever else people were trying to offer me. (I can't tell you how many times I've had to say "no"... I was like a walking advertisement for the "Above the Influence" campaign) 


As for the depression, I was able to condition myself to get up and out of bed and go on with life, even during my worst days. And while I still have a bad day or two every now and then I know that as long as I manage my sleep and stress level I'll be headed in the right direction. As my boyfriend always tells me: "Mind over matter."  


If anything, this blog is going to be a collection of many stories, poetry, and journal entries summarizing my experiences with BP disorder.... and how I have become a stronger person because of it. 

There is no great genius without a mixture of madness. - Aristotle

Here's some ish I wrote...

Feel free to comment... Oh that's another thing. I write, I've always written- poetry, plays, journals, anything really. It's my favorite form of expression- although when it comes to writing for school, I often find it harder to write. It becomes a chore. I hate following directions, sticking to the format. It takes all the fun out of my passion for words on paper.

Anyways- Hope you enjoy.. More to follow...



Biting my lip not knowing

If you’re judging me

Placing me in a category, just because I act a certain way

Or because I was crying or over emotional

Last night. Or was it this morning? It’s all the same.

Are you able to look at life the way I do? Always worried about the way people

Relate to you? The way people judge you?

Deciding before they get to know you if you are worth their time. Their friendship.

It’s not fair. This life I live.

Some people may understand. Or at least say they do. But to deal with the fear

Of the next mania or depression, the

Roller coaster ride of daily life you have grown accustomed to, from the many

Doctors visits and feeling unsure about the future, just getting through

Each day is difficult, but in this life, this is not a choice it is a

Reality.

Here's an essay I wrote...

I have heard Bipolar described in a number of ways. “The waves of mania and depression are a non-stop roller coaster ride” or “Bipolar is chemical imbalance in the brain”. My current therapist often compares Bipolar to Diabetes, since living with this Bipolar requires you to constantly monitor your medication and unpredictable mood, similar to a diabetic monitoring their blood sugar. Even though I agree that these metaphors do their part in explaining the foundation of Bipolar Disorder, I feel that there are no words that can begin to illustrate the complexity of this illness. 

I was  nine years old when my parents finally coaxed me into visiting a therapist. 

It wouldn’t take long for me to loathe the weekly visits with the thin, red-headed pale woman, who would try to help me over the next 3 years. No one could understand why I was always crying at school and lashing out at home.  I would spend most of the session drawing or ignoring her altogether, trying to avoid the questions she was asking. It was right after I turned ten, that this women, who I already hated the thought of, mentioned the word, Bipolar. I felt my world had come crashing down, and even at age ten, still ignorant to what Bipolar was, I was terrified. Shortly after, I went on to see  a  psychiatrist, who gave me my full diagnosis and prescribed medication. In the years to follow, I would blame my doctors and parents, try to disprove my diagnosis, and do everything I could to try to be “normal”. All of my efforts would result in the painful discovery that my Bipolar was not going anywhere.

Over the past few years, being vocal about my diagnosis has become much easier. It has taken time and courage to get to the point where I can ignore the stigma and talk openly about my illness with teachers, co-workers and peers. There have been many times when I thought I would  be judged or misunderstood, and discussing Bipolar gives people the chance to prove me wrong. Unfortunately, most of the world is still uneducated about mental illness, which is the reason why I choose to speak up about my own life experiences. Bipolar has effected my entire life: in work, school, and everything in between. It hasn’t been until this past year that I finally realized,  I could either give up and let my life be taken over by the mood swings, or I could gain control and take my life back. 

Having Bipolar has been an overwhelming and painful journey. When my moods are steady, I feel great - almost “normal”. But even when I am taking my medication and going to therapy, I can slip into a manic or depressive state. Even through all of it’s pain, one of the amazing gifts this illness has given me has been empathy. I wish that the rest of the world would become more understanding and see that this mental illness does not make me who I am. Bipolar is a part of me, but it does not define me. 

Not my choice... But it's who I am

So here it is my official first blog ever.

 Ok, the first one I published. Or the first one that anyone has read. That is, if you are still reading? I guess my previous attempts at “blogging” didn’t pan out because I never got past the first entry. 

Now, I am starting a blog, not just to start a blog- but because I actually want my voice to be heard. I feel that I have a lot to write about... not much different than the bloggers out there writing about coupon clipping and "plankin"... whatever that is. 

The main difference about my blog, is that I didn’t choose the subject of my blog, it chose me. And while I guess you could say all those coupon crusaders would claim their blogs are going to save the world from over spending, and yes that is important...  I'll admit I’ve peeked at a few of those pages from time to time, but my blog here is nothing more than me, my life- my story. The raw, honest, truth; about living and learning how to live better with Bipolar Disorder. 

Now what is BP Disorder? Don’t be misinformed! Having Bipolar does not make me crazy, or unable to live a normal life. I can do the same things as everyone else, I just need to monitor my moods and take care of myself. And yeah, I'll be the first to admit that living with BP is a freakin' roller coaster.  It's a full time job to self regulate moods, manage meds, go to doctors visits etc...  

But hopefully this will give you a better understanding for those for you that don't know or aren't quite sure. 

According to the National Institute of Mental Health Bipolar is: 

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives. Bipolar disorder often develops in a person's late teens or early adult years. At least half of all cases start before age 25.1 Some people have their first symptoms during childhood, while others may develop symptoms late in life. Bipolar disorder is not easy to spot when it starts. The symptoms may seem like separate problems, not recognized as parts of a larger problem. Some people suffer for years before they are properly diagnosed and treated. Like diabetes or heart disease, bipolar disorder is a long-term illness that must be carefully managed throughout a person's life.

To read more on the symptoms go to: 

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder/complete-index.shtml

Also check out http://www.nami.org for more info.

I’m hoping most people reading this will already be familiar with this disorder. Maybe some of you know a family member or friend who has been affected by this illness. Or you may be affected yourself. Whatever the case, my main purpose of this blog, (yeah, I know this first entry is a bit boring and way to informative, but I feel it needs to be...) is to educate, entertain and most importantly get rid of the stigma most often found with this illness. 

Also, since I a new to the whole "Blog world" I would appreciate any helpful feedback.  And yes, this blog won't be about only  Bipolar, but while IT is a HUGE part of my life, it is only a fraction of who I am.