Emotionally, I still deal with the problem of being diagnosed with Anxiety, and adding that into the mix with Bipolar is just asking for a mess of emotions. There are times when I laugh uncontrollably, cry for no reason, and get stressed out over absolutely nothing at all. Not being able to control your own mood is a scary thing. It's something that I used to just shrug off, and blame other people for. Hell I still do sometimes. But in reality I am the only on who has control over my mood, but having a chemical imbalance in my brain doesn't make it any easier. It's a difficult thing to explain and even for someone who has Bipolar to understand.
Over the past year, between a mix of the right medical team, mental strength, and hard work- I have been able to start to gain control over my moods. I have been taking my medication every day. Something that I never did before; I used to skip doses... I didn't care if I missed one due to a late night of partying... But after taking my meds every day, twice a day for over a year- I learned that they really DO help...
I no longer let my mania take over me in the destructive ways that it had in the past... Yes I occasionally do get caught up in a sale at target, or I buy too many hair products because I feel the need for MORE.... But it is nothing like before.
In the past year, I have been hypo-manic. (The nicer version of Bipolar's cousin depression) Mania causes BP patients to go overboard, think grandiose thoughts, and make hasty decisions. In my worst states of mania, which lasted anywhere from a few weeks to several months, or longer; I would become sexually promiscuous, get involved with drugs and alcohol (which is a huge mistake for anyone with a mental illness!), I would burn bridges of all kinds- family/friends, you name it... I would also overspend WAY too much, (luckily I had my parents to bail me out, time and time again...)
I will get more into the specifics of my mania later... But that is only one side of BP- the other side, the one most people are familiar with, is Depression. In the beginning I hated my depression, because it always won. I fought the battle constantly- especially during the winter months. Depression for me is a seasonal thing. (Over years of treatment, my doctors and I would start to notice that my Bipolar would follow a pattern relating to the seasons.) But fighting with depression was an on-going battle.
I ended up missing months of school throughout both middle school and high school. I even dropped out of my first semester of college because I couldn't beat depression. Luckily, I was able to get back in school now.
At least with mania, I wasn't stuck in bed. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't miserable either. Or so I thought. After getting treatment I learned how dangerous mania really is. When I'm manic I have NO control. It's really fucking scary.
I learned how important taking my medication is, and why I need to avoid drugs and alcohol- they DON'T help someone who already has a fucked up brain chemistry. Believe me, I could party hard enough without the weed, henny, beer, or whatever else people were trying to offer me. (I can't tell you how many times I've had to say "no"... I was like a walking advertisement for the "Above the Influence" campaign)
As for the depression, I was able to condition myself to get up and out of bed and go on with life, even during my worst days. And while I still have a bad day or two every now and then I know that as long as I manage my sleep and stress level I'll be headed in the right direction. As my boyfriend always tells me: "Mind over matter."
If anything, this blog is going to be a collection of many stories, poetry, and journal entries summarizing my experiences with BP disorder.... and how I have become a stronger person because of it.
There is no great genius without a mixture of madness. - Aristotle
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